I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.