@Loli_Sug: I'm opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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@XplodingUnicorn: [looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now
@Reverend_Scott: Earth: "You're causing tidal waves!" Moon: "So?" Earth: "I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation!" Moon: "Very funny."
@tastefactory: [zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
@IGotsSmarts: She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.