‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart