I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You Might Also Like
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.