I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*