I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
OMG 🤣🤣
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.