I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
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I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.