I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
sounds kinky. i’m in.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
how much for the angry fruit?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Lol
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”