I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Match dot com, but for socks.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket