TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country