Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.