I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
You Might Also Like
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
*pokes sex life with a stick
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Support your local cemetery
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier