@VodkaThursday: I'm putting "open bar" on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn't mean u can skip it, slackers.
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@lazerdoov: Pretty lame how horses and dogs don't capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
@StellaGMaddox: My daughter wrote, "I will see you every day of our lives," on my Mother's Day card, so I guess we've resorted to threats now.
@SergioValenCo: ''You will die alone.'' I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
@NJPsychDoc: Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my shit together & yet still insult me for being full of it?