@VodkaThursday: I'm putting "open bar" on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn't mean u can skip it, slackers.
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@MatCro: [phone sex] GF: Tell me you want me ME: I want you badly GF: How badly? ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
@Reverend_Scott: Me: "...american cheese, toasted." Her: "What kind of cheese?" Me: "American..." Her: "Want it toasted?" Me: "I'll just make it myself."
@ramenfuneral: "how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode" - creator of zebras
@YimsterFife: I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.