I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”