I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
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Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.