[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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i’m still crying at this
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor