Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.