i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio