@stockejock: I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...
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@SemFitty: Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don't hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: You wouldn't believe the day- *puts TV remote to my ear* Hello? Hey Bob- [hand covering remote] -sorry honey, I have to take this.
@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.