I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot