@stockejock: I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...
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@ShaeAaron: The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry's in the oven. I'm going to bed.
@CoolBabyRat: *mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*
@funflaps: lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy me: yes, I've abided by his wishes lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
@thestlouisan: My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge & I'm considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it