@stockejock: I'm ready to be a father now that I've successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he's so happy, he's relaxing & floating on his back...wait...
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@PyrBliss: If you've ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven't seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
@BGH70: The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party. I got, "Oh, you're still here?"
@: [inventing trees] Angel: what purpose do they serve? God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em Angel: can they climb back down? God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
@Sean_Burgundy_: I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with "Why did you save my number?"