My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Just me and my debit card against the world
Batman v Dracula
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
That’s what I call a flat tire
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)