“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes