“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.