I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.