airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.