I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]