I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.