[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.