I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
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My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong