Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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All excellent questions
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Did…did a minotaur write this
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Lassie, get help!
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.