I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
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Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
They must have gotten it to go.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”