There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
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Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.