@markydoodoo: Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.

@xLiserx: Lonely nights, we've all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

@PajamaStew: Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away. She waves. I wave. I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

@slimmy_shady: Hot girls who complain that you can't get laid... do you live on a deserted island?

@JimmerThatisAll: When I say I'm as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul.