@Dutch_50: The way to a man's heart is thru his stomach. At least that's what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@LookAwayMomDad: I paid $200,000 for an English degree and my coworker just asked me to proofread her Facebook status.

@CulturedRuffian: * on a date snuggling * Me: Did you enjoy dinner? Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat. Me: Get your hands off my belly.

@iLikeCatShirts: Dealer: Anyone follow you dude? Me: just my cat *dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out* Mom: why are you using drugs???

@JoshontheGo: If I said I was the king of the jungle, I'd be lion to you.