I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
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SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Dear Lord..
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head