I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.