I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
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My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.