Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc