I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
new year update: losing everything but weight
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there