@Mike__Lee: I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.
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@mattZillaaaa: [job interview] "So do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?" Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
@Madame_Royale: I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands.
@WeissBrandon: My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she's racist
@EmergencyQB: How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?