@Mike__Lee: I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.
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@FatherWithTwins: My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we'll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
@NewDadNotes: [on the phone] Me: hey babe you’ll never guess- Wife: [sees County Jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you Me: -let me finish you’ll never guess who I ran into today
@ohen39: [after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing] painter: I'm done me: ok now let's do a silly one
@Elizasoul80: Him: I wonder if this dealership is open. Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.