I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world