I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
You Might Also Like
Word!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
never ask a starfish for directions
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff