I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
You Might Also Like
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends