I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
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Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent