Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.