I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
first you must answer his riddles
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make