I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
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“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time