Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.