Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You Might Also Like
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
#parenting
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
ugh not again
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
If you love someone, let them sleep.