I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
You Might Also Like
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
In banana years, I am bread.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO