@Darlainky: I'm smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
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@d_whitehouse: Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
@LackOfShame: [movie theater] Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down? Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
@jwoodham: If your building doesn't have an elevator and you don't live on the first floor, we can't date. I'm looking for a relationship, not a gym.
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what's ur biggest flaw? Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people I: but ur resume is impeccable M: I think u mean unpeccable