I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
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Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin