i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.