i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My wife gives the best headache.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?