I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
let’s discuss
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
goldfish mafia
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.