@jake_likes_naps: I'm so committed to pizza that I've stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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@raydred: Grampa: Hashtag, Cool glasses. Me: Hashtags are a social media thing. You don't have to say, hashtag G: Hashtag, not my favorite grandson
@ruinedpicnic: me: maybe those nazi salutes... we're just them reaching for the stars... McDonald's manager: this is the fastest I've ever fired someone
@ThatRascalPuff: Teacher: Any questions *raises hand* T: NO DUMB ONES "Can you see continent names from space" T: FOR FU-..ugh...Not if it's cloudy bud
@DirtMcTurd: Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.