@jake_likes_naps: I'm so committed to pizza that I've stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick's Day this year with a quiet dinner at home. Me: Yea, the nursing home...
@MrJeberling: Once while eating bacon I said I was "getting piggy with it" and now I have no friends.
@LittleMissZesty: Me: I'm not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls* Co-worker: