I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
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extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else