I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
He-man has a Masters degree
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
This could be us but you eatin’
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.