@XGroverX: "I'm so hungry, I could eat a human baby." Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned "Corn-fed organic of course, I'm not a monster."
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@GarryShandling: If you're head of the CIA and can't hide an extramarital affair it means it can't be done. Case closed, fellas.
@tchrquotes: Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
@david8hughes: [batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago] "Useless piece of shit."