“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
HOW DARE YOU
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.